It’s more than a week still to April 1, or we would be wondering if someone was pulling our leg with some of the stuff sent in by Alert Janeites today.

Alert Janeite Stefanie sent us a link to an article in The Times about a new portrait of Jane Austen that was commissioned by the publisher Wordsworth Editions to make Jane “prettier.”

Helen Trayler, its managing director, said: “The poor old thing didn’t have anything going for her in the way of looks. Her original portrait is very, very dowdy. It wouldn’t be appealing to readers, so I took it upon myself to commission a new picture of her.

“We’ve given her a bit of a makeover, with make-up and some hair extensions and removed her nightcap. Now she looks great — as if she’s just walked out of a salon.”

Excuse us–nightcap? Does one wonder why we thought this an April Fool gag?

Of course, all those newly-minted Austen readers can join Posh’s Oh So Literary Book Club, along with Katie Holmes and Jennifer Lopez!

POSH: Welcome to the first meeting of our book club, ladies! Does everyone have their lovely new copy of Pride and Prejudice with the pretty lady on the cover?

KATIE: I think it’s awesome.

POSH: I think the lady on the cover is Elizabeth Bennet. She sort of looks like me, don’t you think? Except her hair. I would never go out the door looking like that, but I guess they didn’t have flatirons and silicone styling products in Victorian times. But Becks says Lizzy looks just like me. And Becks looks like Mr. Darcy, don’t you think? All tall and athletic and handsome and rich and desired by women all over the world.

J-LO: No, Posh, Elizabeth Bennet looks like me. And Darcy looks like my husband, Marc Anthony. But taller. And not so much like a vampire.

KATIE: Mr. Darcy is awesome.

POSH: No, no, Jennifer, Pride and Prejudice is OUR story, mine and Becks’. He saw me at a Spice Girls concert but wouldn’t come backstage; said I was tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt him. But then he fell in love with me and I didn’t want HIM. And then I fell in love with him, and we live happily ever after in our Derbyshire estate, and our townhouse in London, and our vacation home in The United Arab Emirates…

KATIE: Pemberley is awesome.

J-LO: No, Posh, my first husband was Wickham, and my second was Mr. Bingley, and my third was Colonel Fitzwilliam, and now I’ve found MY Mr. Darcy. Because you KNOW that Mr. Darcy sang love songs in Spanish to Lizzy, and then drank his special “wine” from the locked cellar and went to lie down in his coffin at dawn. My Marc says that he fell in love with my fine eyes. And my booty. So obviously I am Lizzy Bennet.

POSH: No, darling, you are Charlotte Lucas, because you married the creepy guy, because you weren’t getting any younger and Affleck didn’t want you anymore. I am Lizzy, because my husband is rich and glamorous and we are in all the papers.

KATIE: Lizzy is awesome.

J-LO: Say you’re Lizzy again, beeyotch, and I will cut you. I AM LIZZY!

POSH: NO, I AM LIZZY!

Tom Cruise runs in, jumps up and down on couch.

TOM CRUISE: KATIE! I MUST TELL YOU HOW ARDENTLY I ADMIRE AND LOVE YOU! I LOVE THIS WOMAN! HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!

KATIE: My husband is awesome.

(Apologies to the Fug Girls for borrowing their schtick, and thanks to an Alert Janeite who wished to remain anonymous for the heads up!)

And lastly from the Janeite X Files, Alert Janeite tattycoram sent us a link that had us calling for the Tullamore Dew. ITV, heady with the success of its Jane Austen Season, has commissioned a series called Lost In Austen about a Pride and Prejudice fan who time-travels back to Jane Austen’s day.

Lost in Austen, made by Mammoth Screen, hopes to capitalise on the appeal of the Jane Austen adaptations lined up for spring on ITV. The light-hearted drama follows an Austen fan as she magically switches places with Pride and Prejudice character Elizabeth Bennett, and has to survive in late 18th century England.

Hey, maybe Katie or J-Lo could star! *laughs crazily* Where’s that bally spork when we need it?