Footballers’ Wives, by Jane Austen
We were amused by John Walsh’s Austenesque take on the upcoming nuptials of Coleen McLoughlin and Wayne Rooney of Manchester United.
“I wonder, my dear,” said Mrs Bennett, “if I should wear the lilac taffeta to the ceremony in Portofino and the one in Croxteth. Or if I should change into a simple cream muslin for the Merseyside nuptials. What do you think?”
“I have spent five and sixty years without the slightest impulse to offer advice on ladies’ fashions,” said Mr Bennett. “It is a little late to start now. But who else is getting married apart from our Elizabeth?”
“Have you not heard?” cried his wife. “Lizzie insists on two weddings, one in a 16th-century Italian fortress, the other in a public house in Merseyside.”
“In the name of Providence,” gasped Mr Bennett. “Why embark on such a costly and divisive plan?”
“She is concerned,” said Mrs Bennett, “about Mr Darcy’s relatives. Some of them enjoy a reputation for unruliness. Excessive consumption of ale. Disarrayed clothing. Capacious vomiting. Unbridled fornication in the – ”
“Stop!” cried Mr Bennett. “I cannot believe Darcy capable of such behaviour. Despite his initial stiffness, I warmed to him and hoped to welcome him as a son-in-law. And now you tell me…”
Go check out the whole thing, it’s pretty funny…and we would suggest that Brand Darcy has been well-established for some time now. 
April 8th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Well, that and Lizzie’s not the eldest. Pretty funny though. So they want to launch Brand Rooney, eh? I wonder which nutjob celebrity they’ll attach themselves to. That’s the only reason anybody in the States pays any attention to the Beckhams. We’ve plenty of our own fashion horrors, they haven’t got a cmnplete personality between them (at least not one for public consumption; I couldn’t say what they’re like at home) and soccer’s just not that big a deal here.
April 8th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
That was priceless. I wonder what the Andrew Davies adaptation will be like?
April 8th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
No doubt it will at least feature a scene of the lovely Coleen panting with exhiliration in the stands after a thrilling Man U triumph, followed by no fewer than three extended close-ups of Rooney celebrating in a manly fashion with his teammates, his drenched team jersey clinging tantalizingly to his extraordinary six-pack abs …
April 8th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
I once heard an interview of Coleen, and she did _not_ sound like Elizabeth Bennett. In fact, I couldn’t understand one word she said. But she looked nice enough.