There is only one thing…
…to do in this situation:
I have never read a novel. Ever. Not one. I am simply not a novel kind of person.
I can think of nothing worse than being stuck in a room with bookish people who endlessly chat on about the character of Mr Darcy in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.
All the while I would be thinking to myself: Mr Darcy does not exist. Mr Darcy is a figment of someone’s imagination. Mr Darcy never was. Mr Darcy never will be. It’s all made up!
Over the years people have tried to engage me in an interest in novels: “Bernard, you simply must read this book. You won’t be able to put it down.”
And I try. I really do. I start off all enthusiastic on the first page, but then I quickly begin to flail. Halfway down the second page that worryingly familiar feeling overwhelms me.
Someone has made this up. This is not a real situation. Even the names of the people have been dreamt up. Why am I investing my time reading about something that never happened?
And that is quote Catherine Morland.
“That is, I can read poetry and plays, and things of that sort, and do not dislike travels. But history, real solemn history, I cannot be interested in. Can you?”
“Yes, I am fond of history.”
“I wish I were too. I read it a little as a duty, but it tells me nothing that does not either vex or weary me. The quarrels of popes and kings, with wars or pestilences, in every page; the men all so good for nothing, and hardly any women at all — it is very tiresome: and yet I often think it odd that it should be so dull, for a great deal of it must be invention. The speeches that are put into the heroes’ mouths, their thoughts and designs - the chief of all this must be invention, and invention is what delights me in other books.”
Just ask Oprah if you don’t believe us.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:01 am
And I try. I really do. I start off all enthusiastic on the first page, but then I quickly begin to flail. Halfway down the second page that worryingly familiar feeling overwhelms me.
Someone has made this up. This is not a real situation.
Ah, at last! Someone has put words to my experience of viewing “Becoming Jane”.
March 4th, 2008 at 8:43 am
So really, it’s not that he’s against non-real situations. He’s just against working to experience those non-real situations. Movies are just as fake, but they are easy, quick, and efficient. His logic boggles my mind.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:05 am
I think he is confusing the factual with the truthful/real. Just because there never were a factual Darcy and Elizabeth doesn’t make their relationship any less a vehicle for truthful insights into human life.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Dear Editrix, you have been too polite. I would have thought you would quote Da Man’s memorable words on the novel:
“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Oh yes–but Catherine spoke specifically to the idea of made up = fiction. We have seen the answer to that is “not always.” Look at the woman who wrote the Holocaust survivor novel that was outed as a Made Up Story just last week.
(And Sophie: ROTFLOL!!!!)
March 4th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Poor sod. Cinthia has it right: it’s clear that he’s just not very bright.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I think he is brave to admit that he just doesn’t get it, though it’s too bad he uses Mr. Darcy to illustrate his point. Jealous perhaps? Some people do find it difficult to understand the complexities and subtleties of emotion and social relationships, unless it is made very clear to them. Sad but doesn’t make them generally stupid. He might be just the person you want fixing your computer. Darcy himself may have some of these traits with his difficulty with light social conversation and not being able to observe Jane Bennet’s depth of feeling for Bingley.
March 5th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Gosh Mags - how do you find these things? I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that he is writing in one of my city’s (Melbourne) papers, but not the one I read. His occupation? To quote his own website, “Bernard Salt is a leading commentator and advisor to corporate Australia on consumer, cultural and demographic trends.” Which may explain the state of our corporations …
And while I also enjoy a good gander at the Melways (our street directory), it does rather pale into comparison to P&P!
March 5th, 2008 at 9:39 am
I agree with Ben M. He is not against fiction, his left brain is not the only part working; he is just too lazy to work at all to experience it. It boggles my mind too.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Found it through a Google Alert for Jane Austen.
And no, the writer is not against fiction, it’s just not his cup of tea; and I know quite a few people who feel that way. But if fiction is bad because it is made up, don’t assume that nonfiction is not (at least partly) made up, which I think was Catherine Morland’s point.
And then there’s another story about a made-up “memoir” outed this week…by her own sister!!!
March 5th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
If he’s “never” read a novel (”Ever. Not one.”), then how did he get through school? Is he admitting that he cheated on his English coursework, or is this admission along the same lines as the memoirs Mags references in her comments?
So much for “Only fact matters to my mind and by my values.”
March 9th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Just to expand on my comment in #9: I wrote this in an email to the author at the newspaper:
“I really don’t think it’s a matter of left-brain versus right-brain. I don’t think it’s “Only fact matters to my mind and by my values.” I don’t think it’s “Mr Darcy does not exist. Mr Darcy is a figment of someone’s imagination. Mr Darcy never was. Mr Darcy never will be. It’s all made up!” You can handle a two hour movie. “It’s easy. It’s quick. It’s efficient.” It’s also just as fake as the book. Darcy is no more “real” in the movie than he is in the book. As you say, “Mr Darcy never was. Mr Darcy never will be.” The movie simply predigests the plot so you do not have to invest any emotion, let alone effort, in bringing the characters to life. I can understand preferring non-fiction, because I am somewhat that way myself; but call it what it is- intellectual and emotional laziness. Not left-brain dominance.”
March 10th, 2008 at 5:38 am
How does preferring non-fiction make one “intellectually and emotionally lazy?” I mostly read non-fiction too, and am at a loss to understand why that makes me lazy. I am learning about the world and how it works. I am learning about people who did great things. I also find a lot of modern novels to be very poorly written and generally stupid, so I don’t read them.
March 10th, 2008 at 7:13 am
How does preferring non-fiction make one “intellectually and emotionally lazy?”
That’s not at all what Curt is saying.