The Very Secret Diary of Henry Tilney, Part the Third
Part the First, Part the Second
Day 13: Miss M. came to dinner. Father drunk as usual, nearly gave away the game with his comments on the “elasticity” of her walk. Eleanor and I on tenterhooks waiting for him to reveal too much to Miss M. Afraid was not the wittiest.
Day 14: Frederick came to Rooms with us tonight. Pulled me out of set to ask if I knew that my girlfriend’s brother was engaged to a succubus. Said he would “take care of her.” Typical Freddy, swanning off with the pretty succubus with that “Tilney…Frederick Tilney” His-Majesty’s-Secret-Service rubbish while the rest of us are actually battling the demon hordes. Must admit it always works, but bloody annoying.
Day 15: Met with Sir W— E—. Had to wait while he fixed his hair in at least three looking-glasses before he dismissed the servant and could get down to business. Trifle weary of his act. Percy Blakeney left his card, wants his schtick back, blah de blah. Sir W— troubled to hear about werewolf and succubus, suggested take Miss M. into country, said N. Abbey perfect place for training ground. Does he think I’m going to marry her or something?
Day 16: Freddy came back from Pump Room, said Miss M. was arguing with succubus for switching her attention from Mr. M. to Freddy. Full of himself now. Wager he just wants to get into the succubus’ petticoats. Literally. Eleanor has invited Miss M. to N. Abbey next week. Must prepare training regimen. Horseback riding, toss apples at her to sharpen reflexes, the usual. Curious that we have apples on trees in April. Must have something to do with Abbey being Hellmouth. We do get rather mild winters.
Day 17: Danced with Miss M. at Rooms tonight. She is still concerned about Freddy and succubus. Think I smoothed things over. Freddy better come up to scratch before succubus consumes Miss M.’s brother, or I’ll… I’ll what? Really, it’s not like I’m going to marry Miss M. or anything. Really.
Day 18: Drove to N. Abbey. Father put Miss M. in curricle with me. Eleanor had to fight off demons that had hidden in chaise at Petty France. Fortunately Freddy left her some of his special “toys.” Gave opportunity to break news to Miss M. about vampyres at Abbey. Afraid she thought it a joke. Still the wittiest, but sometimes backfires.
February 17th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Oh, dear lord, I am so very, very glad you’ve continued this! Too hilarious!
“Tinley…Fredrick Tilney.” Percy Blakeney. Tossing apples to sharpening her reflexes. (I laughed out loud at that one.)
I cannot wait for the next installment!
February 18th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Encore! Encore!
February 18th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
ROFLOL!! This is just too perfect. And you thought you wouldn’t be doing any fanfiction for a while
Can’t wait for Part the Fourth!
By the way, LOVED the bit with the apples. Good point about the time of year!
February 18th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
This isn’t really fan fiction–it’s just trying to make sense of the new adaptation. Fortunately, the vampyres make all possible.
February 18th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
And the most recent listing for JJ Field (Henry) on IMDB is a movie called - Blood: The Last Vampire
February 18th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
So then is it “Disgruntled Fan Fiction?” “Mock Fan Fiction?” “Better Than the Adaptation Fiction?”
Whatever it is, I like!
February 18th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
What a nice suprise to come home to find another installment of Henry Tilney’s “Very Secret Diary”! I hope there’s more to come!? (please)
February 19th, 2008 at 1:22 am
This is so fantastically wonderful! I’m a newbie here at the blog, but have loved reading all the posts–particularly the Very Secret Diary of Henry Tilney. I’m so glad you’ve decided to carry them out and hope to see lots more!
“Still the wittiest, but sometimes backfires.” ROTFLOL!
February 21st, 2008 at 9:52 am
All so deliciously horrid, esp. appples in April ! Will Catherine emerge as a heroine, the One, a vampire-slayer !?
-Ohh, can’t bear the suspense… do go on, please. Part de Four. ;-D
P.S. Wonder if Catherine recognized demons at petty-France or mistook them as run-of-the-mill banditti.
February 21st, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Anything Henry says is brilliant IMO!
At first I balked at the Sir Walter reference being 20 years too early, but then I realized Sir Walter could have been in Bath 20 years ago! Just not with the old maid daughters LOL. Wow Sir Walter would have been around Henry’s age too. My word what would he have been like as a young man?
February 21st, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Paying no attention to timeline whatsoever. It’s all about the vampyres.
February 25th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Sir W___ as a young man probably like Batman- protecting Bath from demons during vampyre season in the Assembly rooms…just recalled, vampyres cast no reflection in mirrors; No wonder Sir W_____E_____ partial to shiney surfaces ! Hmm. Google says shiney apples useful for drawing vampyres out into sunlight. Reckon Henry knows old fahioned ways best for demon slaying. ;-D
February 25th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
You are too funny! Although I love the movie, this Diary is fully entertaining! When will this movie be out?
February 25th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Please go on! This is hilarious! Can’t wait for more. =)